not in the world
but in myself
never enough for
my eyes
my mind
my life

was there a past,
when i wasn’t running from myself?
lying to myself, deceiving
everybody but

i didn’t want to
this parody of a life
thinly veiled sadness
isn’t a life at all


the universe boggles me
too big and too small
for my finite human mind

it grew…
out of nothing?
what is it growing into,
if the universe is all there is?

it’s just so much.

the vast unknown-
the poetry of stars,
the distant moon,
the impossibility of it all-
has always enticed humanity.
maybe we’ve finally met our match.

the world expands
beyond our imagination
even though we can’t keep up.



i’m so tired
my heart hurts for not a single thing
but everything

sadness echoes from unfulfilled wishes,
from expectations not met,
from broken promises,
from lifetime worth of
turning a blind eye and a deaf ear

(since listening never did anything anyway)

maybe i’ve met my match,
found my achilles’ heel-

i wait for happening
when i’m the only thing that can make it happen.


I am the crayon who stands sharp over the passage of time, in the front row of the box but always passed over.  I’m tall even as the crayons around me shrink and dull, melt and break. The colors around me dislike themselves for their imperfections, watch me with silent envy, but they’ve been fiercely loved even while I hate myself for what I can’t do. I belong in every color group and in none of them, always “other”, no matter how essential I am. I stain with all of their work, but I can’t hold any of mine.

No one ever thinks about the lonely, plain crayon.

Who would want to use me, when I do nothing but fade?


can’t you see me calling for help?
can’t you?

i called and called
and you came too late
spoon-feeding me your lies, your fake love, your fatal poison

i listened,



waited for your untrue promises to materialize into action
when the only thing you were ever able to create was pain

(i still waited
for you, i’d do anything)

it was always you
and not you
forever and never

i wished for you to come
and now i wish you’d go

questions for you

“one day-”
why not today?
tomorrow’s so far away

“next year-”
i’m tired of waiting.
can you hurry faster?

“you’re too young-”
i know what you think,
but i understood a long time ago.

“in real life-”
what was all of this, then?
a free trial?

“i can’t help-”
wait, huh?
where’re you going?
“i’ll be back tomorrow!”
no, i need your help!

so, how about now?
what about-
“you’re grown up, right? just leave me alone!”
wait, no!
that’s not what i meant!

come back!!