parody

disillusioned
disappointment
not in the world
but in myself
never enough for
my eyes
my mind
my life

was there a past,
ever,
when i wasn’t running from myself?
lying to myself, deceiving
everybody but
me?

i didn’t want to
live
this parody of a life
thinly veiled sadness
isn’t a life at all

universe

the universe boggles me
too big and too small
for my finite human mind

it grew…
out of nothing?
what is it growing into,
if the universe is all there is?

it’s just so much.
incomprehensible,
even.

the vast unknown-
the poetry of stars,
the distant moon,
the impossibility of it all-
has always enticed humanity.
maybe we’ve finally met our match.

the world expands
beyond our imagination
even though we can’t keep up.

slowly,
maybe,
we’ll
figure
it
out.

yearning

i’m so tired
my heart hurts for not a single thing
but everything

sadness echoes from unfulfilled wishes,
from expectations not met,
from broken promises,
from lifetime worth of
turning a blind eye and a deaf ear

(since listening never did anything anyway)

maybe i’ve met my match,
found my achilles’ heel-
myself.

i wait for happening
when i’m the only thing that can make it happen.

crayon

I am the crayon who stands sharp over the passage of time, in the front row of the box but always passed over.  I’m tall even as the crayons around me shrink and dull, melt and break. The colors around me dislike themselves for their imperfections, watch me with silent envy, but they’ve been fiercely loved even while I hate myself for what I can’t do. I belong in every color group and in none of them, always “other”, no matter how essential I am. I stain with all of their work, but I can’t hold any of mine.

No one ever thinks about the lonely, plain crayon.

Who would want to use me, when I do nothing but fade?

futility

can’t you see me calling for help?
can’t you?

i called and called
and you came too late
spoon-feeding me your lies, your fake love, your fatal poison

i listened,

swallowed,

suffered.

waited for your untrue promises to materialize into action
when the only thing you were ever able to create was pain

(i still waited
for you, i’d do anything)

it was always you
and not you
forever and never

i wished for you to come
and now i wish you’d go

questions for you

“one day-”
why not today?
tomorrow’s so far away

“next year-”
i’m tired of waiting.
can you hurry faster?

“you’re too young-”
i know what you think,
but i understood a long time ago.

“in real life-”
what was all of this, then?
a free trial?

“i can’t help-”
wait, huh?
where’re you going?
“i’ll be back tomorrow!”
no, i need your help!

so, how about now?
“no.”
now?
“nope.”
what about-
“you’re grown up, right? just leave me alone!”
wait, no!
that’s not what i meant!

come back!!

falling

the last days of freedom
taste of fear and regret
summer departs her throne
only for fall to creep in

falling leaves, falling spirits, falling faith
who can tell the difference?
we could, once
when falling down
didn’t mean falling on us

as the nights get longer,
so do the periods of despair
it’s cold clutch reaches where it couldn’t before
clammy hands pulling my face into a placating smile

we are servants to our anxiety
forced into movement by our desperation for perfection
merely a puppet, so i cannot scream
disassociation is our only disconnect

and yet,
failing is destructive
only if you care enough to let it.
i scream, muting the ticking of my timer.
i can only let go of pain…
if i let go of me

so i fall,

fall,

fall,
into peace.

 

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me

society tells me to be me
and changes its mind when i say change society
tell me what you mean, what you think first
i don’t wanna be smoothed down
i don’t wanna be appreciated if it means i’m not me
i don’t wanna be romanticized
take me for who i am
sharp edges and broken parts
or don’t take me at all
don’t reduce me to what you see-
tall, or shy, or loud, or fat
i am a person first,
and everything else next

the edge of everything

you broke me
not knowing
that it was the best thing that
you ever did
you gave me my edges
and let me protect
myself
form me
or the world
i didn’t know then
and i don’t know now
but it was enough
because as you left my memory
i got sharper
and the world around me fell apart

promises

in january,
she had promised
what seemed like the easiest things
and yet, they vanished
in a
blink
gone
as soon as it came

in the middle of the year,
she remembers her promises
the easiest wishes and dreams
and yet, she moves on
in a
blink
gone
as soon as she came